*This post is about pregnancy after loss.*
Tomorrow I am 28 weeks pregnant with Ramona's little sister. Third
trimester. Hopefully in two months we'll bring her home alive. We are
happy and relieved as another pregnancy wasn't looking too promising
after eight months of trying, six of those with an RE.
I
love this daughter just like I love Ramona. I want to see her face, I
love feeling her move, I am well aware that this is a different baby,
different pregnancy, etc. I am not excited, though.
Pregnancy
is not fun anymore. You don't get that feeling back. When people
approach me with excitement and questions, I feel uncomfortable. I feel
insulted and revolted that people assume this baby will be completely
fine and alive, like Ramona was some defective model.
The
thing is, both my daughters should be here this fall. We should be
preparing to become a physical family of four. We should be preparing
Ramona to be a big sister, not stressing over whether people will forget
Ramona and expect us to be 'all better.' We will never be all better,
we are missing one of the most important people in our life. This baby
has already brought so much joy and happiness into our life, but she
doesn't take Ramona's place. They are both irreplaceable, and the sad
thing is, we have no guarantee we'll bring little sister home, either.
Life
is fragile and unpredictable and as much as I'd like to believe all
babyloss parents should be exempt from all other strife the rest of
their lives, life doesn't work that way. We all take the same chances,
we just hope the next time will be different.
