I always have the best intentions when I start blogging. Then I go almost five months without a post.
I can say today is good. I never thought I'd be able to say this or actually feel it, but some days are good.
I
felt this for the first time a few weeks ago. We spent the morning
drinking coffee and reading outside in the sun. Her birds were singing
and we were content and I turned to my husband and told him today I was
happy for the first time in so long.
I still laugh
when people use the phrase 'still sad' to describe our grief. We will
always be sad. What other way is there to feel about your dead
daughter? I think about her and feel love, pride, even joy sometimes
that we have and will always have such a perfect, beautiful daughter,
but there will always be sadness. There is no way around that, but
finally we feel other things that are equal to that. I can feel sadness
for the loss of my daughter, but also happiness in the present and hope
for the future.
People who haven't felt this type of
loss think it's abnormal for sadness to be a part of the everyday, but
besides my family, they have no idea the strides I've made since
December 2013. I'm out of bed. I don't cry every single day. I don't
think about death all day. I don't want to die anymore. My anxiety
attacks are gone. The level of depression I felt the first year, what
led me to seek therapy six months ago, has eased. Today is a walk in
the park compared to the early days. I will take this sadness, this
completely normal emotion, over those feelings any day.
So today is good. Today is sad. Those two things have to coexist together, and that's ok.
